Twofish's Blog

December 9, 2006

What’s going on in my life….

Filed under: academia, Career, china — twofish @ 9:12 pm

The trouble with talking in code is that things get very confusing after a while. I’ve been thinking out loud and making weird references and connections which, while meaningful to me, is probably utterly confusing to someone else. But it was necessary for me to go through the process of talking in code, first of all to have me figure out myself what is going on, and second to have me more comfortable in saying it.

The basic problem is that right now I’m working at a job that is slowly suffocating me. I have dreams and ambitions, and this job doesn’t seem to give me the ability to pursue those dreams. There are a number of possibilities for what to do. The first and best would have been to change the job to fit those dreams. I tried that a few months ago, and that didn’t work at all.

The second is to give up those dreams. That’s also problematic for a number of reasons. It’s difficult. First of all, it requires literally killing off parts of myself. Second, I’ve tried to look at the source of my dreams, and after travelling across vast stretches of history, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not good for me or the world for me to give up my dreams.

The third is to just bear it, and wait for a better opportunity, which is what I’ve been doing. But when a better opportunities seems to come along there are all sorts of anxieties and worries that come with that better possibiility. More importantly, I have to relax control of my feelings just a bit. When I’m working normally, I can’t let anyone know, and can hardly let myself know, how much I feel I’m being suffocated. But when something better seems to come along, I have to relax the iron grip I have on my feelings just a bit, so that I can take the risks and put up with the hardships that are involved in moving. At the same time, I can’t relax my grip too much. This opportunity could easily fall through. The new company could not be as good as I hoped, and since no place is perfect, there are going to be a lot of little annoyances involved with going somewhere new.

So I put myself in this weird emotion state. And that is where articles about the “fairy princess” start coming in and driving me crazy. Articles about her are works of fiction. They fit a theme certain of “success and leadership” and leave out important complex parts of the real story. She presents herself and is presented as the perfect Chinese-American success story, and since this is the precisely the dream that I am chasing, I am going to get very emotional over this.

And it gets worse in a number of ways.  Job searches are humilating processes, in which you send your application out and it gets rejected repeatedly.  I don’t like the way I’m being treated at work.  I don’t like the way that I’m being treated by prospective employers, and one thing that I think I can say now is that I don’t like the way that she has ever treated me.  I’m just another person sending in a job application, as far as she sees me.

And so when I think about the bad ways that people with power are treating me since I have no power.  I naturally think of her, and it really makes me angry to think about how much power she has in the world, how she got that power, and how little power I have.

Anyway, I think I’m dealing with all of this constructively, and I’ll make something good come out of this.  I’m taking the angry, hatreds, and resentments I feel, and trying to use them to make myself a better.

And if she continues to do what she’s been doing all of her life, I think that she’ll end up hurting herself.  I think it is sad for her that we’ve never been able to find a way of really communicating with each other, because I think that it would be useful for her to just accept the deep and complex feelings that I have toward her, or even just to know about them.  I’m not going to do anything stupid and destructive with the feelings I have.  I’m just not that type of person, but I think the fear of even trying to find out what I think about her and the inability to realize that I might not be the one who is insane, is probably adversely affecting her other relationships.

Anyway, she has to make her choices.  I have to make mine.

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