Just had another thought……
Suppose my dream timeline *was* accurate. Let’s suppose hypothetically, that I do some more investigation, and it becomes obvious that my dream timeline *was* what would have happened if bad things didn’t affect my life. Suppose, I figure out that had the bad things not happened, that I would have ended up this high powered tenured professor who had really different relationships with different people, than what happened in this time line.
Rule one: The past can’t be undone.
Rule two: What can’t be undone should be mourned.
Consequence three: I shouldn’t be the only one mourning, or the only one sad. There are people who should be sad, not for me, but for them. If my timeline was accurate, then I’m not the only one who really lost something.
At the reunion at MIT, I met some people I hadn’t seen in a long time. And some of them knew the first bad thing that happened, but not the second. I’ve been dreading telling them, but I have to. Part of the reason I’m writing in public in fact is to that me makes it easier for me to bring up the topic. I think I’ll just point them to this blog.
And it is going to be sad. We are going to look at some things that could have happened, some things that would happen, some things that *should* have happened, and we are going to mourn what cannot be undone. And then we move on. But you have to have a funeral, because you cannot raise the dead, and being sad at a funeral, means that dead is dead.
But…. I need for everyone in the story to be sad, and to mourn things that could have been and maybe should have been, but aren’t. It’s not a small number of people at MIT, who knew me fifteen years ago, and know what happened then, and are going to be devastated to know what the outcome was. And part of the process of returning to MIT, involves letting them know.
I’m wondering how much more I should talk about this……
But…. I need to finish the obvious conclusion.
If there is someone in the story of what might have been but can’t be, who isn’t quite ready to admit to herself how important they are in the story, and is too damn busy to even listen to the story and understand their place in it, then we really do have a problem….
It’s not enough for the people in the story to feel sorry for me, or to regret what happened, to wish me well, or to send me some insurance form letter. They need to understand the impact of what happened on their own lives, and to feel sorry not for me, but for them.
I’m not crazy.
I think I’m the sanest person here.
I’m not looking forward to letting people know what happened.
I’m not looking forward to trying to arrange another funeral.
But the dead must be mourned.
And I’m not crazy for being mad when someone that should be mourning. Isn’t.
I have a confession.
About 15 years ago, I told what seemed like a harmless lie, and I didn’t realize the enormous consequences of telling that harmless lie until about five minutes ago.
I don’t exactly right now how to fix things, and it doesn’t have to be fixed soon, but it going to have to be fixed eventually.
But I’m going to sleep better tonight, now I know what the problem is………